Ten Outfits That Are Bound To Make You Look Fat
1. Shirt dresses – Shirt Dresses are NOT a good idea. Who ever thought that wearing a shirt dress would ‘accentuate your curves’! No. What they do do, is they mess up the smooth flow that a dress should give and have that odd hem which looks like you’re wearing your boyfriend’s shirt SUCH a bad idea. Whoever created the shirtdress must have been Kate Moss thin. Ugh.
2. Bright turtlenecks – Bright Turtlenecks are best described as vibrant. Yes. Only good for being used as drapery around the house when your blind mother-in-law comes to visit. This is an atrocity that shouldn’t have never gotten close to the dying machine. The only colors that turtle necks should be worn in are gray, white and black. That’s it. I don’t care how thin you are. (And anyway if you were kate moss thin you wouldn’t be reading this article. Let’s just face the facts here, kiddies).
3. Leather pants – Leather Pants?! It’s not the freakin’ eighties! Who the hell promoted leather pants? The other day I’m out and about in Atlanta, walking from Ri-Ra to Cosmo Lava and guess who I see walking just ten feet in front of me(no. not my college crush turned worst enemy ever) but a woman wearing ZEBRA PLEATHER pants!? I MEAN WHAT?! Not even black leather, but ZEBRA PLEATHER? Seriously? I mean Seriously?!!
4. 12.7-centimetre-wide belts: This is obvious. As mentioned in the above paragraph, you are not Kate Moss thin. So people- please don’t wear belts which come right up to your chest and force you’re boobs to spill over the belt. It’s ugly. It’s unattractive. You may have squeezed the fat out of your waist, but it’s not spilling out over your belt.
5. Handbags as big as luggage: If you’re trying to work out without going to the gym, this is the way. Well forget about looking attractive to the opposite(or same) sex. (I presume that looking attractive to the opposite sex is of SOME importance to you).
6. Over-the-knee boots: Over the knee boots cause one of two things to happen- either they reach up to your thighs and cause excess fat to spill out over the top of the boot or they cut off the circulation in you legs, which may or may not have you ending up in a hospital on a drunken night out.
7. Round eyewear: Yes. Yes, they maybe be on sale at the local Macy’s, but even Gucci round eyewear isn’t going to be enough damage control for these shades!
8. Thick platform shoes: These went out of fashion before they were even invented. They look tacky. Do you want to trip over your own feet and hop around for the next 8 weeks.
9. Tube tops and bustiers: Unless you don’t have boobs, these WILL NOT help your figure. Bad, Bad Idea. The fat will spill out again- but this time from right underneath your collar bone. NOT attractive.
10. White coats, pants, shoes, stockings: If you are a doctor you are dismissed from this number. White pants can only work if you are wearing Bodysuit Shapewear. Otherwise white pants are perfect if you want to show off your cellulite. White pants just do not work. Let’s not even get into the white shoes, that’s another post all together. The disco era is gone. And white stocking. Agh! Please-Just Shoot Me!
So guys. My latest advice on how ‘not to look chunky’
